Eloquently put, yes?
Where to begin? Seriously.
The only real reason I remember having this account is for two reason: One, it reminded me as such via e-mail a few weeks back when I turned 27. The other had to be just out of hindsight that maxknight had mentioned in passing (or as rare as it is, anymore) that he had started one up. Looks like it's a bit drab over there as well.
So why am I back here? Well, to get motivated a bit, I suppose, and I'm trying to identify what it is that keeps me going anymore. A large amount has happened in three and a half years. I can tell from just reading myself that many years ahead in time. Maybe this was all planned by my mind. Just to put a mark in the road and then come back and analyze the view a ways down.
Honestly, I'll call laziness on things more than that, but let's do that analysis.
So, April 2008, huh?
At that point, I would've been in the employ of one Controlled Automation as a newbie tech for them, my father would be closer and closer to terrible fitness shape, my mother would be closer to insane and my sister would've been going towards her senior year of college. At that time, my 'social' life would've been the administrator of one very elite, very intelligent-mind, and though very narrow-minded forum on the Internet. Probably my life-blood for a grand total of six years at that point. 215-220 I think...at that point.
What's changed since?
My father ended up nearly passing out one time when he was mowing the lawn with myself present and what nearly triggered a possible dance with death. He would later lose 90 pounds in 9 months after that incident. He would then later lose his second wife only to find a girlfriend, move out of his house and buy a house for himself which he now plans on living with the rest of his life. Numerous job changes.
My mother became more insane, but let's leave that for a bit.
My sister would drop out of high school, shotgun marry another drop out, and, as of this writing, would birth two baby boys, currently aged 2 and 2 or so months. She would have to find out how the way of the world was fairly quick. She did, and is currently going route of government funding and food stamps.
So my mother became more insane, yes. That's very true. Mostly from having to take care of my sister and being told by her employer that he's retiring in three years and she's been adamant as hell to have me move back up here.
10 pounds, back and forth. Laid off after three years of service only to succeed in landing a job I had wanted and am currently mixed about for feelings since I was a kid. Succeeded in A+ certification after wanting it so badly since college, which it was incredibly less stellar than it really was. Still haven't graduated college.
Oh, and that admin job? Ended. In fact, the forum and a great deal of its residents were dismissed cold turkey or cold shouldered. A certain incident coupled with a feeling of lack of respect and loyalty eventually culminated in my final departure from the area. Although a few thoughts of how things were going initially dwelled in my mind, like all things, they pass with time and eventually fade. Now I have a much smaller circle of people that I attend my time to...and I couldn't be happier with the situation, to be honest. It feels more like I don't have to come home after work to babysit anymore.
But those were feelings I had a year or two prior. Now I just work a decent 8:30-5:30 shift in Little Rock. My car's had the opportunity of an upgrade, from a 1989 Mitsubishi Montero to a 2009 Nissan Altima, which means I am now in debt for the first time in my life, technically. To be honest, though, it's very manageable and it's treated like its own bill. Not to mention that if the worst happened, at this time, I would still be okay. That's where I want to be and it's always getting better every other week.
The job I do is essentially one that keeps me busy constantly. Far more constantly than that which I had previously. Essentially, I'll be in charge of a dozen computers or multiples of at any given time to fix. May sound boring, dull, over people's heads but it was something I wanted to do since I was a kid. I just don't think I wanted to do it on such a large scale, but you're not really thinking that when you're a kid. You just figure you'll do one thing a day and be happy with yourself. Noooo...doesn't quite work that way, little guy.
Truth be told, even it is manageable. We did end up losing a 17-year tech not too long ago and were without backup from much more than two main techs for six or seven weeks. The work piled up tremendously. And we're going to have a short week with one of the main techs missing with a new guy, greenhorn, that I'll have to ride solo for four days while the main's off at Disney CA. We'll survive, but that's one of those 'you wish you got paid more' scenarios that all people will have in our working class.
So if all that's manageable, then why am I here? Because I need an outlet for how much is going on in my life. At the same time I need said outlet to motivate myself to do things other than progress myself further into what I want to accomplish out of my life...to do things to accomplish them better. Odd thing. It's something I think that's occurred to me with this past week. A friend that I know, one of the few still left from the forum that I was part of, is heading out to college in a few hours. He won't be living on campus, but he'll be thrust into 'hell' soon. It was at a similar time in my life, back in 2002, that I decide to create a journal space for myself on alternate site, and years later here for reasons I'm not quite certain of anymore. Probably to follow people.
But I believe that it was to keep myself somewhat motivated with other people helping me out.
So let me deviate a little to the post prior to this one. I obviously had some major trust issues. These exploded only months later and were probably most of the cause that I didn't continue this trend of bringing myself back from the dead of writing because I believed there was no real reason to do so. In fact, I still have them. I've had constant wonderings, outside of a small scratch board I post on still, of why I don't do other forms of social media, namely Twitter, since I talk about certain niche things so much.
Truth of the matter? I don't want to be around more than my own small group of people. I don't want to expand out. I'm happy with the way things are and the more it expands outwards, the more volatile it tends to get. Facebook, Twitter, whatever. I'd rather not deal with them. That's probably one of the main reasons I don't want to be identified for having a journal again online because of what happened back when I moved down here in 2006 only to find that it had been exposed entirely by way too many people, including my parents. In short, it made me feel like an idiot. Maybe I was. Maybe I still am. The fact of the matter is that I want to have an opinion like every person should.
And I think that's the problem: Outside of a small circle that's getting less and less likely to talk for various reasons outside of what we keep to ourselves, I don't really exercise mine anymore. I generally keep to myself otherwise in real life. I'm just wondering if maybe I should restart this and see where it takes me. There's a lot of things I wouldn't mind going into. And frankly, I don't think any one person would have the time to go through it all, but I think it'll mean something to me.
I have more to talk about, but the long and the short of it is that I've been in front of this thing for forty minutes already, reminiscing about old times. There's a few things that I want to get into and hopefully soon. Maybe I'll just take the time during the week and get back into the habit. Maybe it'll also fuel getting back into the habit of other things that might fuel my mind. We'll have to see. Maybe I'll get an audience. Maybe I won't. What good's an opinion without an audience? At the same time, what good's an audience when your opinion means nothing?
I think I have some issues to sort out.