I'm not entirely sure why it takes until 3 AM in the morning to do these kind of things.  For whatever reason, right around 3-4 in the morning is the point where I'm most thoughtful.  I guess that works hand-in-hand with the whole concept that I'd be the most sleepy around 3-4 in the afternoon in the middle of work when I SHOULD be thinking.

Anyways, I'm exhausted.  Part of this was to get motivated to do a few things but there's other things I've been taking care of in the last few weeks to coincide with that.  Case in point, I've been at it for three or four weeks to get my weight down and I'm down roughly 14 at this point.  I'm trying to get it down at least a 30 amount from where I was (roughly 231, 232).  The eating part isn't too terrible once you know what works to at least get you in a somewhat slow decline or maintenance instead of completely huge weight gain.  The other part to go with not losing the WRONG weight on me, unfortunately, and speeds the process up is the exercise.  The exercise sucks.  It's not just cop-out DDR like I used to do because I could get by doing that because I had no choice but to bike all the time when I was down really well in weight, I'm on an elliptical for a 'worked up to' 30 minutes at a time.  I initially got it from my father sometime back in April but never really used it but once or twice and would generally fail hard at the 10 or 12 minute mark.  It took quite the effort, at two minutes extra or so more at a time, to make 30 minutes.  I still feel like crap when 15 or 16 rolls around.  Outside of sheer willpower, there really isn't any reason I should be making that kind of time but that's really the only way you're going to lose the weight, get the endurance, and look somewhat sane by doing it.

And it's not that I'm vain or anything, but 230 was too high at 6'2 and not a lot of muscle tone to show for it.  Especially since my father's a diabetic and I've got a nice chance of being as such as well.  Haven't show the signs, thankfully, but I can never be too careful.  That and it was getting to the point where I wasn't doing well in a few aspects physically.  I'm not wanting to drop back to the 140 I was in high school by any means but that 185 I WAS at or the 200 I was in '07 wouldn't be bad at this point.

Still, it's hard to make that initial step into going through and making that right for yourself.  For me it took four years to get my head out of my ass.  And I know people that I've talked to that want to do that kind of stuff but they haven't had the ability to try it out either because of slow-going results and just being too comfortable with doing what they're doing.  Trust me, I understand COMPLETELY and I hate a great deal of what I have to go through...but it's just like keep a messy room for a long time, it gets to the point where it piles up, and then you're wondering how the hell you're going to clean up.  So then you either leave it and it stays terrible or gets worse or you finally break down and decide to do something about it and take a long time to do it.  Either way, in the end, you wouldn't have to take so much time to do it if you kept up after yourself every once in a while, and when it DID get out of control it wouldn't take too long to fix.

This is really not that much different, and I don't want it to get to the point where I have to pull out six different pills or needles a day to make sure I stay in some decent health.  I'm not a needle person.  Not a doctor person either, especially in this state.

So that's one of the main things I've been trying to take care of.  What doesn't help is that I'm trying to balance this with other interests as of late.  Namely the fact the Disgaea 4 is out, among other things, and I reeeeeally haven't had time to play the balance game and do things like that, socializing, and -hopefully- sleeping and decent times (50-50 for that as of late; being off caffiene is a downer).  Hopefully, I get those priorities sorted at some point.

And hopefully get done with this weight loss crap at some point.

  • Current Music
    Capcom Sound Team (Mega Man X6) - RAINY TURTLOID STAGE


Eloquently put, yes?

Where to begin?  Seriously.

The only real reason I remember having this account is for two reason: One, it reminded me as such via e-mail a few weeks back when I turned 27.  The other had to be just out of hindsight that maxknight had mentioned in passing (or as rare as it is, anymore) that he had started one up.  Looks like it's a bit drab over there as well.

So why am I back here?  Well, to get motivated a bit, I suppose, and I'm trying to identify what it is that keeps me going anymore.  A large amount has happened in three and a half years.  I can tell from just reading myself that many years ahead in time.  Maybe this was all planned by my mind.  Just to put a mark in the road and then come back and analyze the view a ways down.

Honestly, I'll call laziness on things more than that, but let's do that analysis.

So, April 2008, huh?

At that point, I would've been in the employ of one Controlled Automation as a newbie tech for them, my father would be closer and closer to terrible fitness shape, my mother would be closer to insane and my sister would've been going towards her senior year of college.  At that time, my 'social' life would've been the administrator of one very elite, very intelligent-mind, and though very narrow-minded forum on the Internet.  Probably my life-blood for a grand total of six years at that point. 215-220 I that point.

What's changed since?

My father ended up nearly passing out one time when he was mowing the lawn with myself present and what nearly triggered a possible dance with death.  He would later lose 90 pounds in 9 months after that incident.  He would then later lose his second wife only to find a girlfriend, move out of his house and buy a house for himself which he now plans on living with the rest of his life.  Numerous job changes.

My mother became more insane, but let's leave that for a bit.

My sister would drop out of high school, shotgun marry another drop out, and, as of this writing, would birth two baby boys, currently aged 2 and 2 or so months.  She would have to find out how the way of the world was fairly quick.  She did, and is currently going route of government funding and food stamps.

So my mother became more insane, yes.  That's very true.  Mostly from having to take care of my sister and being told by her employer that he's retiring in three years and she's been adamant as hell to have me move back up here.


10 pounds, back and forth.  Laid off after three years of service only to succeed in landing a job I had wanted and am currently mixed about for feelings since I was a kid.  Succeeded in A+ certification after wanting it so badly since college, which it was incredibly less stellar than it really was.  Still haven't graduated college.

Oh, and that admin job?  Ended.  In fact, the forum and a great deal of its residents were dismissed cold turkey or cold shouldered.  A certain incident coupled with a feeling of lack of respect and loyalty eventually culminated in my final departure from the area.  Although a few thoughts of how things were going initially dwelled in my mind, like all things, they pass with time and eventually fade.  Now I have a much smaller circle of people that I attend my time to...and I couldn't be happier with the situation, to be honest.  It feels more like I don't have to come home after work to babysit anymore.

But those were feelings I had a year or two prior.  Now I just work a decent 8:30-5:30 shift in Little Rock.  My car's had the opportunity of an upgrade, from a 1989 Mitsubishi Montero to a 2009 Nissan Altima, which means I am now in debt for the first time in my life, technically.  To be honest, though, it's very manageable and it's treated like its own bill.  Not to mention that if the worst happened, at this time, I would still be okay.  That's where I want to be and it's always getting better every other week.

The job I do is essentially one that keeps me busy constantly.  Far more constantly than that which I had previously.  Essentially, I'll be in charge of a dozen computers or multiples of at any given time to fix.  May sound boring, dull, over people's heads but it was something I wanted to do since I was a kid.  I just don't think I wanted to do it on such a large scale, but you're not really thinking that when you're a kid.  You just figure you'll do one thing a day and be happy with yourself.  Noooo...doesn't quite work that way, little guy.

Truth be told, even it is manageable.  We did end up losing a 17-year tech not too long ago and were without backup from much more than two main techs for six or seven weeks.  The work piled up tremendously.  And we're going to have a short week with one of the main techs missing with a new guy, greenhorn, that I'll have to ride solo for four days while the main's off at Disney CA.  We'll survive, but that's one of those 'you wish you got paid more' scenarios that all people will have in our working class.

So if all that's manageable, then why am I here?  Because I need an outlet for how much is going on in my life.  At the same time I need said outlet to motivate myself to do things other than progress myself further into what I want to accomplish out of my do things to accomplish them better.  Odd thing.  It's something I think that's occurred to me with this past week.  A friend that I know, one of the few still left from the forum that I was part of, is heading out to college in a few hours.  He won't be living on campus, but he'll be thrust into 'hell' soon.  It was at a similar time in my life, back in 2002, that I decide to create a journal space for myself on alternate site, and years later here for reasons I'm not quite certain of anymore.  Probably to follow people.

But I believe that it was to keep myself somewhat motivated with other people helping me out.

So let me deviate a little to the post prior to this one.  I obviously had some major trust issues.  These exploded only months later and were probably most of the cause that I didn't continue this trend of bringing myself back from the dead of writing because I believed there was no real reason to do so.  In fact, I still have them.  I've had constant wonderings, outside of a small scratch board I post on still, of why I don't do other forms of social media, namely Twitter, since I talk about certain niche things so much.

Truth of the matter?  I don't want to be around more than my own small group of people.  I don't want to expand out.  I'm happy with the way things are and the more it expands outwards, the more volatile it tends to get.  Facebook, Twitter, whatever.  I'd rather not deal with them.  That's probably one of the main reasons I don't want to be identified for having a journal again online because of what happened back when I moved down here in 2006 only to find that it had been exposed entirely by way too many people, including my parents.  In short, it made me feel like an idiot.  Maybe I was.  Maybe I still am.  The fact of the matter is that I want to have an opinion like every person should.

And I think that's the problem: Outside of a small circle that's getting less and less likely to talk for various reasons outside of what we keep to ourselves, I don't really exercise mine anymore.  I generally keep to myself otherwise in real life.  I'm just wondering if maybe I should restart this and see where it takes me.  There's a lot of things I wouldn't mind going into.  And frankly, I don't think any one person would have the time to go through it all, but I think it'll mean something to me.

I have more to talk about, but the long and the short of it is that I've been in front of this thing for forty minutes already, reminiscing about old times.  There's a few things that I want to get into and hopefully soon.  Maybe I'll just take the time during the week and get back into the habit.  Maybe it'll also fuel getting back into the habit of other things that might fuel my mind.  We'll have to see.  Maybe I'll get an audience.  Maybe I won't.  What good's an opinion without an audience?  At the same time, what good's an audience when your opinion means nothing?

I think I have some issues to sort out.
  • Current Music
    Tsuyoshi Sekito - "Matoya's Cave -arrange-" from FINAL FANTASY I

Back from an improbable death...

Truth is, I used to have a journal like this.  Two in fact.  I used to post rather constantly and never gave it a second thought as to the things I said or to the things I would convey to other people.  Then along came people, parents included, that would use this information against me.  Such was the case that killed me from conveying my thoughts, even on just regular pad and paper, until I got to the point where I just didn't write about myself anymore.  I kept it bottled up tight, only venting it out in open spaces where no one was there.  It helps being out on your own so people don't think you're crazy about doing it.  You all know you have to keep those appearances up.

So yea, I'm crazy just like most of you.  Now that we have that established, no one knows that I've made this and no one knows who I am.  I plan to keep it that way as means of seeing JUST what people seem to think I am.  Not gender, not look, not anything...just from what I post here and the music I give out as a means of a hint.

Obviously, that means I'm wanting anyone who actually reads this, yet another improbably outcome, to kind of get a view of what I am just based on that.  Kind of an interesting way of looking at things.  Already a lot of people will take a look at the music and convey two things, at least, by the title alone: Japan and Gaming.  Does that necessarily mean I'm interested in it though?  Likely...but how much do you really know about a person based on an assumption, of what you read, of what you take in about a person.  It's quite interesting to make that 'ass'-umption and hope you're right when you don't know.  In fact, I think it to be a perfect start to a long storm of a story to come if posting permits.  It's very moody and portrays a sense of foreshadowing of deep things to come but in a very slow and subtle sense.  Perhaps I just did my homework and decided to play a trick on those watching.  In fact, I did.  Or did I?

The world may never know.  That's for you to decide.  You, as an individual.  A word I like.

Anyways, long story short, I'm just here to post what I believe to say at any given time without giving too much away about my personal information.  Anymore, I can't really allow myself to be like that and I don't plan on defending myself again just for the sheer fact that people decided to use my innermost feelings, things people take for granted and stuff inside themselves to never let out most times, and have them completely smeared on the concrete in front of me to view.  Does that mean I've had some pretty thought-provoking and even extreme thoughts and any given point in time?  You bet.  I wasn't afraid of putting myself out on a limb at that time.  I'd like to get that back...but at the same time I don't want to be the reckless fool I once was...I just want to attain some sanity back...something that I think I deserve to have back after keeping my thoughts in for as long as I have.  It's been probably two years or three since I have personally written a journal entry such as this just to write one.  Hopefully, I plan to keep it that way.

If you didn't guess by the text size alone, I do some writing as well, which I may intend to go into a little bit in excerpts here or I may just end up keeping it in altogether but use this as sort of an outlet to further fuel what I may or may not be doing.  I plan on having some sort of use for it via this method, but I don't really know just yet.

Maybe the really burning question of all else is 'why?'.  Well, I got to talking to people that I know on the Internet, and this one person in particular has been having a very hard time in their life.  Basically, to the point of breaking down and asking about why they can't be innocent or be themselves anymore.  After a good 2000 or so words expressed to this person, I basically got a thank you back, to say the least, as did other people that asked about how she was and offered words of kindness and advice.  That made me wonder, after all that said, why did I give up this part of my life?  I thought about nothing but getting a job and getting on with my life and scrapping the life I once lived, confined mostly, over what I had in terms of passion of which I'm slowly losing as each day goes by.  I don't want that.  I want to keep things that I need necessary to keeping my personality whole and the way it was, just like this person asked to keep what they wanted out of themselves.

That said, I think I'm going to consider posting here on a regular basis if I can do so.  I don't know how long these off-the-wall rants will come out but I believe it necessary that I eventually clean what has been stacked up in this mind of mine for so long out.  I think it will take some time to completely alleviate that and I may start on it next time.

But, skipping all that, this is pretty much the intro phase for me being in a journal community once again.  Hopefully, it's a better one than it once was when I started out years ago.  Perhaps I'll also learn more about myself as time goes on; I only expect myself to look at and review this anyways.  Those of you who do read this stuff at random, be my guest to watch out after me and post your thoughts.  I'd be likely glad to hear from you and would be almost equally glad to comment back to you provided that you aren't being a complete and total jackass about whatever it is you want to say...oh and of course any spam messages to from internet casinos.  Can't have those.  Hopefully, filtering has become better since the time I left here.

So let's try again...
  • Current Music
    Yoko Shimomura - Dive into the Heart -Destati- [KH2 vers.]